Things I promise not to put in a documentary

Drifting clouds – either as a metaphor or anything else (maybe unless it’s actually a film about clouds).

Footage out the window of a moving vehicle (there must be other ways of illustrating movement).

A voice-over saying things we just learned or will learn in a second.

Waves (same as with clouds).

Someone looking out of a window in a concrete apartment building on other concrete apartment buildings.

Music that sounds like a John Williams-score.

Music by anyone with a hipster beard if they need to be in the frame.

Time-lapse footage of anything.

A dog looking cute and forlorn.

Things I will really try to get into a documentary:

Someone making a fool of himself (myself included).

Naked people (nothing to do with the above - or maybe everything to do with the above).

Pigs - preferably with wings.

Illegal surveillance footage of the hoodlums outside my windows.

My one remaining testicle.

Sense (if applicable)

Poetry (if the film is about prose)

Surrealism (or dadaism, if the first is sold out)

Humor (d'oh!)

Marisa Tomei

Both lists are subject to change and extension – please add or subtract as you please.